David's Farm Blog

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You maybe a farmer if….

– Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

– You convince your wife that an overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation.

– You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.

– You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.

– You’ve never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

– You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.

– You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.

– You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife’s birthday.

– You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment.

– You have used a velvetleaf plant as toilet paper.

– You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.

– You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

– You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

– You have used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs.

– You’ve used the same knife to make bull calves steers, and peel apples.

Aussie outback song about a typical teenager
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A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now. because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause we’re going down the tracks.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train.but I want you to use nice language!”

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say. “All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon!”

She heard her little darling continue. “For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

Central NSW – a few years ago

Funny email I wanted to share:

JOIN THE FERTILIZER CLUB – FREE!

This letter is being sent to you because we know that you are critically interested in the condition of your lawn. This is a fertilizer club that will not cost you a cent to join! Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list and shit on their front lawn. You will not be the only one there, so do not feel embarrassed.

Then make five copies of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate a good lawn. Add your name to the letter. You will not get any money or cheques, but within one week , if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,126 people shitting on your lawn. Your reward will come next spring when you will have one of the greenest, most beautiful lawns in the neighbourhood.

Mrs. Harry Butt – 236 Corn Cob Alley

Mrs. Smelly B. Hind – 475 Diarrhea Way

Mrs. Apple Crop – 1422 Enema Drive

Mrs. Bigger Movement – 89 Rectum Road

Mr. Go More Piles – 741 Hemorrhoid Street

Mr. C. Howie Farts – Whistle Britches Ave.

Mr. & Mrs. Charlie Springer – 2 Suppository Lane

Mr. & Mrs. Took A. Fizzik – 634 Running Loose Lane

P.S. If you are constipated, pass this along to your neighbour. Don’t break the chain. One Man didn’t give a shit and lost his entire lawn. Best wishes for a greener lawn, and more fun at your lawn parties!!!

Another email with no details – can anyone guess how this happened.

I would like to know just how this is possible…..your comments please!